If 4-year-olds Ruled the Country

1. Daddies could fix anything.

2. School buildings would be razed to make room for expanded playgrounds. All lessons would take place in these new spaces and America would lead the world in education.

3. There would be no stigma attached to bedwetting; Victoria’s Secret and Calvin Klein would launch lines of sexy pull-ups.

4. Congress would override a veto by President Obama to institute the 28th Constitutional Amendment, which would ban baths. An underground movement led by bathing enthusiasts would see the rebirth of speakeasies, filled with bootleg bathtubs. Members would be required to show a special rubber ducky stamp for admission. No clubs would allow hair washing, however.

5. Twirly dresses and superhero costumes would be appropriate dress for any occasion.

6. There would be no need for negotiation at any level, because “I can do it on my own!”

7. The American flag would be recast in red, yellow, and blue.

8. Our nation’s capital would be moved from Washington, DC, to Disney World. The First Family would, of course, live in Cinderella’s castle.

9. Bikes would replace cars, solving the environmental crisis. Instead of professional football or baseball, crowds would gather to watch athletes compete on bicycles without training wheels.

10. Christmas would be celebrated once a month, and would be about Santa Claus only. There would be no religious connotations, because it’s all too hard to understand.

11. In a challenge to democracy, decisions would be decided by whoever could shout the loudest.

12. Nudity would be allowed anywhere, anytime, and giggling at each other’s ‘parts’ would be acceptable social behavior.

13. The news would be delivered in cartoon. The major networks would initiate a bidding war to lure Dora the Explorer and Spiderman to their evening anchor desks.

14. Current American currency would be replaced by stickers, which would be collected on charts and exchanged for goods and services. Stickers could be earned by such achievements as arriving at work within an hour of the time expected; eating everything on the dinner plate that is green; remembering to put one’s clothes in the hamper; holding hands when crossing the street without fussing about it; and remembering to wipe.

15. There would be a renewed interest in public art, specifically in the media of sticky jelly fingers, sand, and spilled milk. In London, the Tate Mod would premiere a  4′ x 500′ wall on which the public would be invited to leave their handprints, kissy-face prints, and nose prints.

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Published in: on October 12, 2010 at 2:58 PM  Leave a Comment  

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